Five Most Annoying Phrases in Product Reviews

#1 - "Exactly what I expected - but I only gave it four stars because I haven't tried it yet"

When reading reviews for baby products, I think about 90% of all products have one of these reviews. Something along the lines of "I got this for my baby shower! It was great! I was able to set it up over my 8 month pregnant belly with minimal assistance from my super-handy husband! But...I don't have a baby yet, so I have no idea how this functions in the real world."

You people clearly do not understand reviews, math, or assessment. This screws up the whole overall rating, which is usually an average (or some function) of all the reviews. Also, why are you reviewing a product that you haven't even used yet? If you *really* have that much time on your hands, go volunteer at a soup kitchen. Or knit something and sell it on Etsy. Or whatever else it is you "have always dreamed of" doing. Jesus.

#2 - "That can't be good..."

Example: "I also don't like the crumpled up look that newborns have in car seat travel systems - it can't be good for the spine!"

Listen lady. The "lack of imagination" argument is not an argument. Why can't it be healthy? Are you a baby-spine expert? And B all, I have no reason to believe that anything is even crumpled (except that your slouchy baby looks crumpled to you). Your review is useless. You get zero stars.

#3 - "My husband is a picky eater, and even he asked for seconds"

Example: "My husband really liked it (but this is a man who only likes veggies when they have been boiled beyond the point of recognition!)"

Who cares about your stupid picky husband? Unless your husband is 4 years old, this is ridiculous and you should both be embarrassed (and if he is 4 years old, you should also be embarrassed....and in jail.) All I read from this review is "This dish was bland. Add some garlic, and reduce the amount of cheese by 75%."

#4 - "The instructions were too complicated, so I didn't read them, and then xyz happened"

Seriously? Ok, the first half of that statement is valid for a review. Its good to know that this product comes with complicated instructions (though we all have different thresholds for this, so it would be nice if you specified why). The second half, not so much. If you didn't follow the instructions and a product malfunctioned, then its not the product's fault. Its your fault.

#5 - "I gave this to my son/daughter/friend/mom as a gift, and she loves it!"

Example: "My daughter loved this set up and claims it will work perfectly for them."

Of course they told you they love it. It was a gift. That's how gifts work. I know you feel really good about yourself now, but you need a reality check. If this product really is that awesome, let your son/daughter/friend/mom write their own first-hand review. Thanks.

Sorry I couldn't find more links. My baby is a ticking time bomb, and I need to publish before she wakes up and asserts her ownership over my teat.